I went running four days this week.
(If by running you mean occasionally sprinting, then walking for ten minutes, then sprinting for about thirty seconds again, then realizing I am TOTALLY out of shape and NOT actually capable of running and starting to walk again, then shuffling along like an eighty year old woman while I try to catch my breath, then sprinting again, then walking, then sprinting, then sitting on the curb for fifteen minutes dry heaving until I eventually gather up the strength to crawl back to my apartment. THAT kind of running. So basically alternately running and wanting to DIE.)
I’m not sure what motivated me.
Oh, wait, maybe it’s the fact that Seth has a date with fricking Chelsea again tonight.
I cried into my pillow last night, realizing that it’s never gonna happen. Then I realized how pathetic I was being, and said, you know what?
GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN.
You are 23 years old. Do NOT going to waste the rest of your life pining over him. You are going to STOP spending all your time with him. Get yourself back in fighting shape, focus on what’s good in your life, start killing it at work again, find your passion, meet new people, yada yada yada. Freaking build a life that’s not focused on him, or on any guy.
And then I danced around my room doing karate kicks because I was Excited About how I was Finally Getting My Shit Together in 2018.
Then I ate a bunch of Skittles and fell asleep.
If I’m gonna put myself out there though, I need to feel more confident about how I look, and right now I’m… not. I’m blondish with blueish eyes. I’m a size twelvish, which people keep telling me is The Size of the Average American Woman, but somehow that is not super comforting. I don’t know that “Hello World, I’m Totally Average in Appearance” is really what I’m shooting for here.
I really shouldn’t focus on getting down to a certain size or number – I should just focus on getting stronger and healthier, more muscle, less flab, all that jazz.
(Although I will say that two years ago I managed to briefly get down to a size six by eating nothing but shredded lettuce and taco sauce all summer long. Three of the guys we hung out with, guys who normally could be counted on to completely ignore me, were suddenly intensely interested in everything I said. Even Seth had been extraordinarily attentive. It had been the most exciting week of my life.)
(Then I ate a sandwich and was right back into a twelve.)
(OK, so maybe that happened over a period of months, but it felt like one day they were all suddenly interested, and the next day, zap, it was all gone.)
So anyway. Gearing myself back up for more dry heaving on the curb.
Good times, people, GOOD TIMES.